3.02.2016

on being emotional and thankful



she is woman.
she is mother, daughter, wife, and sister.
she is a person.
she is strong, smart, and crafty.
she is passionate, courageous, generous.
she is action, emotion, and devotion.
she has hope, beauty, power.
she gives you life.
she gives you respect, love, and gratitude.
she believes in you.
she will nurture you, fight for you.
and she deserves nothing less from you.

I don't know if I ever really wrote about the emotional whirlwind last year was for me. I touched on it here and there, but I kept thinking everything was going to snap back to normal at any time. And I don't think I ever realized how emotionally trying it was until I was mostly through it. I don't know what's suddenly urging me to just write about all of this, but it makes me feel better connected to those of you who read this blog for you to know more about me than what you see on the surface of instagram and this webpage. And honestly, it's probably just a lot to do with my crazy pregnancy hormones.

I'm an incredibly emotional and sensitive person.  I hate this about myself. I worry a lot. I let my own emotions and the emotions of those I love weigh heavy on me. And because that sometimes makes me feel weak, I often find myself putting on a brave face and attempting to appear stronger than I am. And because of all of that, I don't really even remember a lot of 2015. My mind and heart were just all over the place. 

My mom was really sick last year from Ulcerative Colitis. Like, really sick. Every day was a giant struggle for her and as it trickled down, for our family, too. At the end of 2015, she had a big, risky surgery to correct this and is thankfully on a seemingly solid road to recovery now, but she suffered tremendously for over a year while trying different treatments in hopes of not having to resort to that. I think the crazy amount of medications and infusions were almost just as tough on her body as the disease itself. I know so many of you have been through a parent's sickness or passing (something I'm not even going to attempt to be able to relate to because I cannot imagine the pain). Seeing your parent's quality of life completely and totally escape them... it just hurts. Really badly. 

I think we had seven week-long (or more) hospital stays last year. A lot of posts on this blog were written from a hospital chair. I had so much constantly on my mind with worrying about Mom, keeping up with my jobs, learning a new career (real estate), maintaining my friendships and relationships, and trying to take care of myself, too (the gym was great therapy for me). And I promise I'm not searching for pity of any kind, but I just am reflecting on all of this because it has hit me like a ton of bricks how many transitions can take place in life without even knowing it's happening. 

When something unfavorable causes your life to change, isn't it funny how you just kind of deal with it and sometimes forget that your life is different than it was before until your emotions calm down and you have time to reflect? You go through the motions. Days run together and you almost tend to forget what it means for everything to all be okay because that's just not your life anymore. You have a new normal. And that's okay because you adjust to it. You find hope and comfort in the good days and just keep going—day by day. You know that Jimmy Buffet line... "If we couldn't laugh, we'd all go insane." Something like that.

I don't think I have ever felt so thankful as the day my mom had her emergency surgery. It was mid November and a new surgeon who is an expert in the surgery she so desperately needed had just started at the hospital that very week. God placed him there to take care of her. And after he finished the operation, he sat my family down and let us know that it was a miracle my mom had lived long enough to have the surgery. He was amazed we hadn't already lost her because her body was shutting down. At a much later followup appointment, my mom thanked this doctor for saving her life and he said, "It was God." 

As I'm sitting here typing this and crying through these emotions that I obviously never really worked through... I'm remembering that I meant to write this as a 2015 "end of year reflection." But I never really knew how to put my thoughts into words. And I really still don't. And I definitely don't know if this all has a point that means anything to any of you! But here I am still typing... 

This post has a happy ending. And it isn't just about my mom and my being thankful for her road to recovery. I always say to myself, "What you go through, grows you." I've found that it's okay to be vulnerable and to wear your emotions on your sleeve. It's how you handle situations once they arise that matters. You've got to pick yourself up, find the silver lining, and move on. Life is so short and that little fact came at me fast this past year. There's always something to be thankful for—and I am counting my blessings each and every day for a healthy family and a baby soon to join us. And I just wanted to write and let you know how thankful I am for all of you, your emails, comments, and overall support. It goes a lot deeper than that, though. If I didn't have this blog, I wouldn't have been able to be by my mom's side so much last year when it was needed. If I still had my 9-5 job, I would have been a slave to my desk when I was needed elsewhere. God works in mysterious ways. I'm really thankful for this opportunity to share my life with you guys and I thank you for the prayers you've offered up for us when I've casually mentioned it over the last year.  And thank you for reading!

// photo is by marni pictures

18 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for sharing!! I went through a very similar time with my mom the past couple of years and can relate to so many of your feelings! Your mama is one lucky lady to have you by her side and I know she can't wait to see you become a mama yourself! So glad to hear she is on the up and up. Xo

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  2. Sending lots of hugs your way! God is faithful and good all the time. I am a worrier and extremely emotional person as well and wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes people say you need to be tougher but that is who I am and I am ok with that. I am super close to my mom so I can only imagine what you were going through. So happy she is ok and doing well! I love reading your blog everyday! Xoxo

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  3. Thank you for sharing! And praise God for that Dr. and that she is getting better! Having a baby will be a whole new world of worries but I've learned to just lean on God to get thru the days. I've loved reading your blog and can't wait to see what's in store for your family and house adventures this year :)

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  4. Thanks for sharing Megan! I think this was very well written! And you are so right about forgetting that your life is different after going through something unfavorable. I lost someone in my life this past year and I feel exactly like that. Sometimes it takes a while for your emotions to catch up with you! So glad your mom is doing better and congrats on the little joining you soon! xx

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  5. This made me teary! What an ultimately awesome story about the ways God works in our lives. I totally relate to the emotional side of things you mentioned. Thanks so much for sharing your heart over here – I am so happy to hear how well your mom is doing!

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  6. Choking up reading this. 2015 was a really hard year, wasn't it? God does take care of us in mysterious (and "unconventional" -- in our eyes at least -- ways). So glad your family's story has a happy "ending"/present. And so glad that this year sounds so hopeful and light!

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  7. So glad she is doing well, and that's one of those things where the universe works everything out perfectly. I am so glad to know that your mom will be present and healthy to get to meet your new Mr.

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  8. I'm so sorry that y'all were going through this last year. I can't imagine the heartache you experienced but I am so glad God placed that surgeon there and he was able to help her! I'll be praying for y'all and your mom's road to recovery!!

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  9. Thank you for sharing! I love it when bloggers are open and honest. It's so refreshing and I really appreciate your willingness to share. God definitely works in mysterious ways and is SO good! I'm glad things have turned out well and pray for continued health for your entire family.

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  10. God is amazing for answering prayers! Thank you for sharing that. It's nice to read others experiences and how God is so amazing.

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  11. Megan, you are your mother's daughter. Both of you are wonderful, sweet, caring people and you are still the same sweet little girl I met years ago. Gail

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  12. So very well written about your sweet mom! It was so great to see her at the shower and looking like herself again. So happy that she is doing much better! Love you both!

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  13. I cried reading this b/c I have been dealing with a lot of these emotions the past year and a half. My boyfriend (now husband) was put into a medically induced coma from the flu and was in ICU for 8 weeks back in Dec 2013 - Jan 2014. We dated for 10 years. He proposed the day he was released from the hospital. I started to plan my wedding the next day. My mom and I spoke everyday more then once. We picked out a wedding venue, cake, the dress, florist and music. I left for my bachelorette weekend the last weekend of July 2014. My mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Kidney cancer that weekend. I couldn't imagine getting married without her there but the doctors told us she would be there and the cancer couldn't progress that quickly. She suffered a series of setbacks and died 8 days before my wedding. That week my family was numb but as a family we all decided to go ahead w/ the wedding b/c she made me promise that I would. We had a funeral on Wednesday, rehearsal dinner on Friday, wedding on Saturday and memorial service on Sunday. I sometimes forget that between almost losing my boyfriend, getting engaged, losing my mom and getting married all of it happened in a 10 month span. You just go through the motions and you think you are dealing with things, but until you actually deal with them you don't realize what exactly you have been through. I'm glad that your mom is on the road to recovery and that she will get to be there for you when you welcome your first child. It's so easy to take things for granted until you learn the hard way not too. Thank you for sharing and for letting me share. It's so therapeutic to actually "type" it out.

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    1. Oh Stephanie, my jaw is still dropped after reading this a few minutes ago. Your story hurts my heart. I cannot even imagine what you've been through. I think a big reason why I hesitated writing this blog post is because I know things can always be worse and that many go through experiences so, so much more tough than my family did.

      Thank you for sharing. It feels so good to be able to share—you're right, it's therapeutic. I'm so glad your husband is doing well and you have him here as support. You're obviously an incredibly strong person and your mom must be so proud as she is looking down on you from Heaven.

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  14. I've been reading for a longtime and so appreciate your thoughts and openness. It's not always easy to share the hardest stuff in our lives, but I bet you anything it helps someone else today. This part of what you said especially rang so true with me: "When something unfavorable causes your life to change, isn't it funny how you just kind of deal with it and sometimes forget that your life is different than it was before until your emotions calm down and you have time to reflect?" Yes, yes, yes. So much has changed in my life in the past few years that it's hard to remember what it was like before, but somehow, it also just keeps making you more thankful for all you do have. Prayers for your mom's continued recovery and for your sweet, growing family.

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  15. Thanks for your post megan. It's amazing how it just clicked how hard it is to truly deal with situations and let your self "go there". My dad, who has never been sick a day in his life recently went through a miserable year and half. He was then diagnosed, had surgery, but what I didn't expect...developed a little post surgery depression because he was compromised. He couldn't wrestle with my kids, throw them above his head....he had never been sick a day in his life and is the most optimistic man in the world. To think this was his new normal was devastating. Three months post surgery, he is almost back to normal, thankfully. I was willing to accept the new normal but was secretly mourning it. I will take him however I can get him, but man it is hard to watch a parent be sick. Thank you for your post. It was very helpful.

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  16. Thanks for sharing! Sometimes posts are just about the happy and the good, so it's refreshing to read about the struggles too :)

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  17. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so sorry. I'm super emotional and I've struggled a great deal as well with my mom being very sick at times. Always extremely scary considering she's the most important person in my life.

    Mel | www.thegossipdarling.com

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